Earlier this month, top TV host Tucker Carlson successfully interviewed Vladimir Putin, proving that the Russian president wants above all to bring peace and a sense of community to the Ukrainian people.
And this time, Carlson got the scoop for the second time. It’s an exclusive interview with another much maligned figure, the world-famous shark Jaws.
CARLSON: Mr. Jaws, thank you for agreeing to this interview. We understand that you are very busy at this time, but thank you for taking the time to contact us.
Jaws: No problem, Tucker. As you said, I have been busy bringing peace and reconciliation to Amity Island. But believe me. It’s worth it just to see people scream with joy when I stop by to say hi.
CARLSON: So tell me, Mr. Jaws…
Jaws: Please call me Jaws.
CARLSON: Hey, thank you, Jaws. So tell me, Jaws, what’s to blame for all the bad press you’ve been getting lately?
Jaws: A brief historical background.
CARLSON: Please.
Jaws: A look at Amity’s historical relationship with the shark community. Back in 862, the islanders of Amity invited Tootie the Great Shark to become their mayor.
The next significant date is 988, when Tootie’s great-grandson, Im Plant, begins to connect the townspeople of Amity with the shark community. And he accomplished this by consuming them.
CARLSON: Do you consume it?
Joes: Yes, and they were very happy to be eaten. why? Because they realized that they could be transported faster and more efficiently through the ocean than ever before.
I have here an old record from a shark history guru that attests to the joy of the citizens of Amity when a shark approaches. May I quote it?
“The people of Amity never ran as fast as they did when they first saw a shark’s fin.”
do you understand! They ran to meet the liberators!
CARLSON: Although, mainstream media commentators would probably argue that these people are running away from the sharks, not toward them.
Jaws: Nonsense! The word Amity originally meant “shark lover”. As you know, from 1294 onwards, sharks were welcomed as key members of Amity’s community.
The postman was a shark, the baker was a shark, and the mayor was a shark. they were hard workers. Yes, that shark was really biting.
CARLSON: That was in 1294. Can we move on to modern times?
Jaws: Wait! Let’s go there! But first, we need to explain another 800 years. So in 1295, he decided that it would be in the best interest of all the islanders of Amity for the great shark, Peg, to have his leg bitten clean.
She knew how much they liked to stay in the same place, so she did her best to help them achieve this ambition in a spirit of kind cooperation.
CARLSON: Fascinating. [glances at his watch]. So I’d like it to jump straight to 1975.
Jaws: But we haven’t told you about all the contributions SBF has made to the Amity economy…
CARLSON: That’s the Shark Charitable Fund.
Jaws: …for over 600 years. We have made a significant contribution to the local economy. Humans came from far away to swim in the same oceans as us.
CARLSON: And in 1975, an American-backed company produced the feature film “Jaws.”
Jaws: It’s not a feature film – it’s complete propaganda! A provocation, and a cheap provocation! The US controls all the world’s media!
CARLSON: Did you feel that the way you were being portrayed was unfair in some way?
Jaws: I guess so! They decided I was some kind of deadly predator. But it was a little fun. Yes, you may have had a few snacks, but when did enjoying a meal out become a crime?
CARLSON: Is there any further message you would like to convey to our viewers?
Jaws: “I want to teach the world how to sing in perfect harmony.”
Carlson (participating): “I want to hold you in my arms and be with you!” Beautiful!
Jaws: Shall we end it there or is there something else?
Carlson: No, I think that’s great. Joes, thank you for your time.