Loving yourself is a pot of gold at the end of a rocky road. Accepting your shortcomings and forgiving your mistakes is not as easy as you think. Blaming ourselves for something we said in class or didn’t respond well enough in a conversation with a friend is a part of our daily lives.
In my experience, loving yourself is much harder than loving others. This Valentine’s Day, just like we celebrate other kinds of love, we should also celebrate self-love.
I don’t criticize my friends’ actions half as much as I criticize mine. I can’t imagine saying that every mistake they make is their fault, or that the way they laugh is ugly. I have no doubts about my friend’s abilities, but what about mine? forever. I don’t even try to doubt their talent. If they told me they were good at soccer, I would cheer them on at the match. I took pictures of them to capture that moment. Even if they win, even if they lose, I tell them how proud I am. But for some reason, I don’t do such things for the only person who has been through the hardships with me: myself.
Until last week, I had never questioned how smart I was, and I had doubts about other things, but not this one. There were two reasons why I did not perform satisfactorily on the exam that led me to have doubts. One of them was not feeling well, so just taking the bus and walking back to class was taxing on his body. I was very disappointed when I saw my results a few hours later. For the first time, I questioned my own intelligence.
Spontaneity is the key to breaking out of life’s mundane automatic cycles.
I think I’ve been lucky to not have doubts for so long, but self-doubt can hit really quickly. By the time I realized I was doubting myself, it was too late. I was already negative, putting myself down, and feeling like a failure. I’ve had low grades in the past, but these are the only two that affected me. I do not know why.
Many of the negative things I say to myself I would never say out loud to anyone else. I whisper quietly in my head. Even if no one can hear you, that’s enough. Just knowing that words hurt should be enough.
I don’t hold a grudge. No resentment. I won’t insult you. Except in my case.
I’m kind. I love you. I give grace. Except in my case.
It’s very easy to love your friends and family, but when it comes to loving yourself, it suddenly becomes very demanding. I accept my mother’s flaws and my father’s mistakes. I gave my friends some reprieve, and I gave my boyfriend some understanding. I gave them everything they had to give, but as for me, I only receive from time to time.
Companies like Tinder and Hinge function as capitalist marketplaces for love and sex.
It takes away your confidence. It robs you of happiness. I strip away the greatest parts of myself in an attempt to better myself. “Better” should be said.
I used to minimize spontaneity because I thought routine was more productive. I took away my creativity because I could have progressed further by getting a job in business. Being kind to myself makes me feel mediocre, so I reduced my kindness. But is this really the case?
When I started questioning these beliefs while looking at photos from my younger years, I realized it was all the opposite. Spontaneity, creativity, and kindness are all things I value. All of these were things that the girl in the photo cherished and that I cruelly took away from her. What I need to get rid of are the self-loathing and self-deprecating habits that have been eating away at me.
Give now. I give grace and forgiveness. I forgive my mistakes and accept my shortcomings. Especially when it comes to me.
The warmth we embrace our friends, the acceptance we give our families, and the support we give both, we must not deprive ourselves of.
Let’s go on a coffee date. Buy yourself something you’ve always wanted. Take a hot shower and sing your favorite song. Do whatever you want on Valentine’s Day, even if it’s by yourself.
You deserve as much attention as you give others. You deserve to love yourself as much as you love others, even if it requires twice as much effort. Look at Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to love others, especially yourself.
I realized that if I don’t cheer for myself, if I don’t take pictures, if I don’t celebrate the moment and pat myself on the back, I’ll be forever waiting for someone else to cheer me on. It was so hard to get my own approval, my own love, and my own grace that that’s enough.
Maria Amanda Ilias (she/her) is a third year student studying Journalism and PsychologyAussie.