The grief of infertility can be overwhelming, but it can also be difficult for those who are fortunate enough to have never experienced infertility to fully understand.
It is an unusual sadness, a sadness not about a life that has ended, but about a life that has not yet begun. It manifests itself most strongly in moments of joy, like a toddler’s laughter in the park or a mother-to-be’s smile at a baby shower. When you live it, it haunts you, and even if you’re lucky enough to be called mom one day, it might haunt you.
For years I lived with that sadness. Today I will be called Mama. I am a man of faith and believe that children are miraculous blessings. I also believe that science is one way to make miracles possible in this world. Even in the darkest hours of our long journey to motherhood, hope existed for me and my girlfriend’s husband in the form of IVF.
The hope I was lucky to experience as a result of a recent Alabama Supreme Court decision allowing prospective parents to sue for the wrongful death of embryos created through IVF. and miracles are at risk for families whose clinics have stopped treatment. . To the extent that Alabama’s law is currently interpreted in a way that makes IVF unavailable, at least temporarily, I encourage state policymakers to take swift action to implement policies that protect IVF. I look forward to it.
As a political pollster, I often provide data-based advice to elected leaders, warning them of the consequences that can befall them if they do not approach controversial issues carefully. I am. The recent debate over IVF could be an electoral landmine for Republicans, but Republican leaders from House Speaker Mike Johnson to Donald Trump have warned that IVF is a very popular technology. We’ve already gotten the memo saying it’s an innovation, and the actual memo is being sent to Republican candidates. It means that even the majority of pro-life Americans think America is worthy of protection.
At the same time, you don’t have to be a religious fundamentalist to think that embryos produced by IVF are important, or that questions of that nature are excruciatingly troubling.
I pondered the tension between the life-giving potential of IVF and the complex bioethical debates surrounding the embryos produced through the process, and the difficult questions of what I would do with an embryo once it was born. I am one of the patients who have been struggling with this. It could not be carried reasonably. I have been a strong advocate of helping families overcome the adversity of infertility so they can bring life into this world if they choose through this treatment.
My husband and I met and married in our 20s. We talked and finally agreed that we wanted to be parents. A few years later, I told my doctor that I was worried that I wasn’t pregnant yet. To this day I am furious at myself for accepting that my concerns were ignored. “Just relax. It’s going to happen.” It didn’t. Like many women, I spent years blaming myself. My work is too busy. I travel too much. It’s too stressful.
When we were both 33 years old, my husband and I decided to look for answers. It was both a blessing and a curse that our diagnosis was clear and uncontroversial. I was told that it would be difficult to conceive and that I would need surgery and then IVF.
Although we knew the odds were against us, we still had hope and began treatment. After a year of no results from our efforts, followed by a pause to consider alternatives, suddenly a new egg retrieval brought him home with an incredible 6 embryos. blessings have been given to us. I was happy for a few weeks when my first embryo showed a positive pregnancy test, but that joy was dampened when an early ultrasound revealed that my pregnancy had ended in a so-called missed miscarriage. . Each remaining embryo caused a different form of heartbreak, including negative test results, early miscarriages, and heartbeats that flashed on ultrasounds and disappeared by the time of the next appointment.
What made the pain even worse was that every time I went for an embryo transfer, I would look hopefully at the tiny blastocyst on the monitor and think: I love you and I hope to see you soon. Every time I heard the bad news that my pregnancy was over, I felt strongly that I was really saying goodbye.
When you’re in the midst of infertility treatment, life can sometimes feel like a series of devastatingly difficult choices, harrowing doctor visits, and surprising phone calls. How would you feel if you were the hopeful parent of an unborn baby in Alabama and heard the news that your dreams were shattered when unauthorized people pulled your fetus from a storage freezer? I can’t imagine it at all.
If you put yourself in their shoes, it’s easy to imagine how they viewed those embryos as more than just cells in a dish whose development was arrested and frozen over time. . I do not for a moment blame the plaintiffs for considering their fetuses to be their children, now irretrievably lost and waiting for the moment of birth.
At the same time, it is hard to imagine that the plaintiffs, who have built their families’ dreams on this amazing technology, wanted their pursuit of justice to close the door to other families like theirs.
There’s a reason so many conservative, pro-life Americans believe IVF deserves protection. In a world where so many on the right bemoan the declining birthrate and the state of American families, the ability to unleash the gift of life is a powerful force for good for those who desperately want to bring life into the world. . In the past five years alone, the number of Americans who know someone who has undergone infertility treatment has increased significantly. As a result, more people than ever before will know about the children born on this earth as a result of infertility treatment. About infertility treatment.
Years ago, I was told that having children would be difficult, if not impossible. My second daughter will be born in a few days, but I still can’t understand her words. As I write this, my firstborn, Eliana, is sleeping just upstairs. The name means “God answered.” Every time I see her beautiful face, I am grateful for the answers to my prayers over the years. I don’t take the time I spend with her for granted. And I do not take for granted that the reason I am called “Mom” today is due to a miracle that combines faith and science.