I’m scared of death, and I’ve been scared of the thought of death since I was 11 years old.
I have faced death before, when my uncle was shot in 2013. When my uncle passed away when I was 11 years old, I felt like my world had completely changed. I was so confused and always wondered, “Why would this happen to my family?” And now that I’m 22 years old, I still have doubts.
Three weeks ago, my world changed again. My grandfather was someone my entire family looked up to, but he is no longer with us. A week ago my grandmother called me to let me know that he was in the hospital and was terminally ill. Doctors said there was nothing more they could do and it was only a matter of time before he died.
My family and I received a call mid-afternoon on Sunday, January 28th, telling us that our time was up and that we would pass away within minutes. On the way to the hospital, I was hysterical, and even more so when I learned that he had passed away minutes after the doctor’s call.
I never thought I would be able to force myself to look at my grandfather’s body in a hospital bed and learn that he had passed away. When I saw his body sprawled out on the hospital bed, I felt like a part of me had disappeared. I wanted him to open his eyes and talk to me again, but the thought of never being able to do that brings tears to my eyes.
The past three weeks have helped me come to terms with his death, and my perspective on life and its aftermath has changed. I was able to think about what kind of person his grandfather really was and what he had to offer.
My grandfather was a kind man. He always cheered me on when my cousin, sister, and I went to games or music concerts. He made sure to sit front and center and made sure we knew he was there and watching us. He supported me in everything we did and I’ll never forget how rejuvenated it made me feel.
My grandfather wasn’t perfect, but I was grateful for everything he did for me. He created our family motto, “McLaughlin Never Quits,” and it’s been etched in my head since I can remember. He taught me some of life’s greatest lessons about friendship. It still sticks in my mind.
I feel that the grieving process for my uncle’s death and my grandfather’s death will never be the same. It’s always sad that they won’t be able to come to my college graduation or wedding. It hurts to know those things won’t happen, but the memories with them will live on forever.
I have to remind my grandmother every day that the memories she has with her grandfather will never fade. She had been married to him for 55 years and she would have turned 56 on February 11th. She is struggling with losing the second significant person in her life in the past ten years. Still, I reminded her that he would be sad if she remembered only his death and not her many years of marriage, filled with the memories they made together.
I realize that the memories I have with my grandfather will never fade. He didn’t want to stop making memories with him, but he’s happy to be a part of his life and legacy. I recognize that I impacted his life before he passed away, and that he impacted mine.
Death is not just about sadness. It’s sad to know that a loved one is no longer physically with you, but grieving their loss shouldn’t outweigh the memories you made with them. It’s good to remember the good things a person brought to the world and not let their death diminish their character.
I’m typing this as I sit here at the funeral of his life. My family decided to gather his family and friends together for a celebration of his life. They wanted to not only honor his accomplishments, but also to remember that he had a wonderful 78 years that were very fulfilling in every way. I cried while my family watched a PowerPoint about his life. Still, he kept telling himself to sit next to us and smile, knowing we were taking a trip down memory lane.
Thinking about death can be very frightening. We all have to go through it at some point. It’s very scary to think that your life will end, and you don’t know when or how your life on this earth will end. I don’t want to die, but I know I will. I want to achieve my goals as much as possible like my grandfather.
Don’t get me wrong. I still fear death. I think everyone feels fear, especially when they realize that their loved one is gone.
Still, it’s good to think about what positive impact your deceased loved one had on your life. I have always thought highly of my uncles, both living and dead, and now my grandfather has been added to that list. I miss them and I know they are looking down from above and smiling as they read this.
Ashanti McLaughlin primarily writes about black culture, human injustice, and gives life advice.She writes to her at the following address [email protected].