OPINION: Jodie Turner-Smith is telling the truth about her divorce

Editor’s note: Jill Filipovic is a New York-based journalist and author ofOkay, Boomer, let’s talk: How my generation was left behind.” Follow her twitter. The opinions expressed in this comment are solely her own.view more opinions On CNN.

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Actors Jodie Turner-Smith and Joshua Jackson divorced in October. They have a 3 year old daughter. And this week, an interview with Turner-Smith was published in the UK-based newspaper The Times, in which the “Queen & Slim” actor discussed her divorce from former “Dawson’s Creek” and “Fringe” star Jackson. This is what he said about it: The things we really want to work on end up not working out. ” she added. The most important thing is to choose the healthiest for you, your family, and definitely your children. ”

Turner-Smith went on to say, “There are many moments in our lives where we look at ourselves and ask, ‘Who am I? Am I being true to that?'” If the answer is no. , we must take action. I believe there are visible scars from staying in places that are not good for us. And they don’t just affect us, but everyone around us. She also added, “At the end of the day, I’m not the only person in the world going through a divorce. There are millions of people around the world going through the same thing I’m going through.” Masu.”

she is right Her words, emphasizing her healthy mindset in making the decision to divorce, coupled with her unabashed delivery, make an important point, and her celebrity status has made her someone who desperately wants to hear it. She hopes to amplify her message to a wider audience.

In the United States, divorce is both common and stigmatized. Nearly 40% of marriages end in divorce, and although this rate has decreased significantly over the past 40 years, too many Americans still view divorce as a failure and a source of shame. That’s why Turner-Smith’s comments about her own experience are so important. Something refreshing and important.

As a society, we understandably do not want to encourage painful, confusing, and expensive divorces. But policies and social norms can be put in place to reduce the risk of divorce and the stigma surrounding it, making the end of a marriage more than just a failure.The truth is that there are many divorces. it’s not failure; rather, it is a hard-won transition, from saying no to marriage to acknowledging that it ended properly and saying yes to life afterward. is.

Looking around my own contemporaries (I’m an older Millennial), every divorced person I know ended up being happier, freer, and more themselves. . None of their divorces were easy, and each of them started them carelessly and left scars on each of them. But when I look at friends and acquaintances who have gone through divorce, I often see them having the courage to take a big leap into a potentially lonely unknown place, performing the slow, excruciating work of re-establishing an independent identity, and coming out the other side wisely. I can see the people who And the more grounded are those who have decided that their one too short life cannot and will not force a relationship that is better left closed and in the past. is.

I think this is partly generational. Historically, divorce has been particularly cruel to women, who are often poorer after divorce and particularly disadvantaged after retirement. The main reason for this is that historically women have been more likely to drop out or scale back their jobs after having children. And even when women are working, the gender pay gap means they often earn less, save less for retirement, and receive meager social security benefits. Women who divorce late in life can find themselves in the worst situation.

But for women who find themselves in abusive or simply very unhappy marriages, divorce can also be a lifeline. As more women work for wages and the gender pay gap (slowly) closes, divorce penalties for women will decrease as well. This is one reason why it would be wise for women to earn their own income and for lawmakers to push for higher wages. and the Equal Pay Act. And as society in general, and marriage in particular, becomes more equal, divorce may also become more equal, and perhaps less common.

A more feminist understanding of marriage as the voluntary union of two self-sufficient equals, and by uniting an educated, independent wife with a husband who seeks to be a partner rather than a patriarch. Studies show that life lasts longer and is more stable. Conservative states, where the average age at first marriage is low and gender inequality is widespread, have the highest divorce rates, while liberal states have people marrying later in life, have lower marital separation rates, and have higher divorce rates. I don’t think it’s a coincidence. Percentage of gender equality. (The only major exception to this is Utah, which has a high percentage of Mormons and a state with unique religious and cultural norms that cannot be replicated nationally).

The red-blue divorce gap is an important reminder that more feminist policies can improve marriages. Providing more American adults with the tools to achieve economic security and independence, expanding educational opportunities, moving toward gender equality, and moving away from traditional gender expectations will make them more likely to marry. It will go a long way towards making divorce easier and less likely to happen. And, perhaps paradoxically, reducing the stigma of divorce can make divorces that do happen seem less terrible for everyone involved, especially the children.

Instead, many conservatives who call themselves pro-marriage continue to promote gender traditionalism, early marriage, and other failed strategies. To make matters worse, some conservative states, such as Texas and Louisiana, are moving toward no-fault divorce. None of these strategies or approaches will make your marriage last longer. All of them make divorce even more stigmatizing, making both staying married and deciding to break up a more harmful process.

That’s because stigma amplifies shame, and while some of the behaviors that can hasten divorce, such as infidelity, abuse, and partner abuse and neglect, can cause shame, divorce itself It’s not a cause for shame. When people feel embarrassed, we are usually not the most forgiving or rational. Shame fosters anxiety and self-loathing, reduces our desire to repair relationships, and makes us less thoughtful about how to end them.

This idea is important. Because much of the damage that can occur during a divorce comes from the emotionally difficult process of separating two lives that were once connected, for the couple, the children they have, and their families and friends. . But the process can become easier if both parties can bring their calmest, most rational selves to the negotiating table.

and that It would be easier if neither party felt like they were suddenly on the brink of poverty or shame or self-loathing. In the words of Turner-Smith, it is a cultural and policy context that: “Sometimes the things we really want to work on don’t work out in the end. And that’s okay. The most important thing is to choose what’s healthiest for you, your family, and definitely your children.” is a cultural and policy landscape that allows divorcing couples to think of their discord as one of life’s many difficult but necessary and even noble transitions, and that Ensure that individuals have the basic resources for health and stability, regardless of their circumstances.

You don’t have to fear losing your health insurance, retirement savings, or ability to provide a home for your children because your marriage ends. But that’s exactly the reality that many divorcing people face, and it’s often made worse by the completely unexplained shame that comes with divorce.

We can have better, fairer, and less traumatic divorces. This will require policy changes around health care, gender equality, and support for the poor and elderly. And part of this is a shift in society and culture away from viewing divorce as a failure and toward viewing divorce as a dignified conclusion to a larger, more complex, and often wonderful story in many relationships. A shift in focus is needed.